Funny Quotes

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Friendship is like peeing on yourself:
everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. ♥ Quote By: Robert Bloch Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. ♥ Quote By: Louis Hector Berlioz Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine;
&& he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Girls are like phones.
We love to be held, talked too...
but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did,
in his sleep --- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. ♥ Quote By: Maryon Pearson You laugh because I'm different.
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
--- 'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ♥ Quote By: Douglas Adams It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? ♥ Quote By: Ronald Reagan Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky...
&& I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
You tried your best and you failed miserably.
--- The lesson is 'never try'. ♥ Quote By: Dan Castellaneta
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places..
He told me to quit going to those places. ♥ Quote By: Henny Youngman
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. ♥ Quote By: Woody Allen I wanna be a stamp, because that's the only way i'll ever get licked... ♥ Quote By: Muhammad Ali What starts with F and ends in UCK? Firetruck The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity. Always laugh when you can. It is cheaper than medicine... If you think you can, you can.
And if you think you cant, you're right!