The Simpsons Quotes

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Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut. Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog.
Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of-and solution to-all life's problems. Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist.
He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible. Homer: Homer no function beer well without. Barney: Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply.
After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left.
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt,
not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
Homer: Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. Homer: I'm normally not a praying man,
but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything,
it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.
Homer: Lisa, you're a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation.
Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher lifeform... like a snowman.
Marge: Homer, you don't have to pray outloud.
Homer: But he's way the hell up there!
Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids.
So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.